The following editorial was written at the absolute last second by the Editor-in-Chief. This editorial exists primarily to fill space, and should be considered satire, not be taken seriously.
Ah, finals week. A time for intense study, a time to eschew your social obligations in favor of academic rigour, and afterwards revel in the satisfaction of an A on an exam where the median grade was a D. You’ll be able to brag about it afterwards to your friends, impress members of the opposite sex, and strike fear into the hearts of your enemies.
If you are one of those miracle straight-A students, possibly in the Stromboli Honors College or other member of the academic aristocracy, that’s probably going through your mind right now. For the rest of us, who might have still have “forgotten” to buy the textbook by week 11 and who have never been addicted to adderall, finals week is a time for worry, worry, worry.
One of the best ways to prepare for finals week is to study. Studying imparts you with knowledge and the ability to succeed in your exam. However, there’s another part to that equation: confidence. Confidence is the ability to stop second-guessing that answer, because you know if you change it, it’ll be worse than before. Confidence is writing one sentence in the long-answer section, because you know that’s really all there is to say on the subject. Confidence is handing in the exam ten minutes after it starts, incomplete, in protest because (like many Drexel exams) the problems on it had nothing to do with the coursework.
To encourage confident exam taking, the Triangle endorses moderate alcohol consumption prior to any important exam. We’re not talking about a binge that leaves you black-out drunk for your exam, but maybe a Yuengling Lager or two before you leave for class, or a glass of red wine. If the weather warrants it, maybe a double whiskey, neat. (Do not talk to us about chasers.) If you’re really ambitious, pick up a coffee at the Wawa and throw some Bailey’s in there before walking into the exam room (nobody will know!)
Alcohol, as freshmen discover on Powelton Avenue, is a social lubricant. But taken with exams, it becomes an academic and intellectual lubricant, giving new insight and allowing to solve problems we didn’t even know we had. Your professor will be amazed by your new, unbridled creativity and confidence to answer his or her exam questions in ways never before thought possible.
So, study hard, but please, don’t go in the exam room harried and anxious. Stay cool, calm, and collected, without resorting to stealing your roommate’s Xanax again. Have a beer.
But please before heading off to that math exam, remember: alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Don’t drink and derive.