Jan. 22 was a day that rocked our fair nation. We all awoke, ready to take on another day in the endless fever dream of the decade (It’s only been a month? What do you mean?) and were stopped in our tracks. Headlines burst off the page: “Did Gritty punch a 13-year-old in the back? Philadelphia detectives are investigating” in the Inquirer and “Philadelphia police investigating alleged assault by Gritty, the Flyers’ mascot” in the Pittsburgh Post Gazette. Needless to say, we were distraught. Devastated, even. We called our parents to see if they were okay, as any good kid would do. It shook the city of Philadelphia to its very core.
We couldn’t believe it. Since Gritty’s birth in September 2018, he has done nothing but bring joy to our city. Sure he has his “bullying tendencies,” as it says on his website, and is practically the embodiment of orange nightmare fuel. But this is Philadelphia! “Bullying tendencies” are how we show love! When we wish death on people for not thinking the way we do, it’s meant to show affection and say that we secretly agree with the statement. However, we didn’t think it could escalate to this.
Allegedly, the orange monstrosity charged a 13-year-old at a fan meet-and-greet and absolutely leveled the kid square in the back with a big, furry fist. The kid (whose name is very funny given the situation, but who we won’t reference explicitly) and his father claimed that this had happened unprompted and that upon bringing the kid to a chiropractor (huh?), he had some bruising on his back (liar).
We’re afraid to admit it, but the story had its points. Gritty is an unhinged, terrifying monster, and the thought of him decking a child doesn’t take much imagination to picture. In fact, Gritty is the type who could have trained with The Karate Kid to level a punch that’s strong enough to knock out Gandalf, let alone a 13-year-old. You can picture Gritty rearing up, with the fervor of a bull seeing red, and just tossing a kid into space with a mighty punch. It’s a pretty funny image. In fact, he said that Gritty punched his son “as hard as he could.”
This past week, some relieving news broke. First it was Meek, now it’s Grit; he’s innocent!
We’re proud our man was cleared of all charges, so he can continue on his path of being a scary monster that instills fear in the hearts of our friends and enemies. And we’re happy he can go on continuing to not punch any more children. However, if there is a child wearing a Penguins or Rangers jersey in his vicinity, we won’t blame him for taking a swing.