If the rumors are true, and humans are indeed the result of millions of years of evolution from monkey to man, then how is it possible that we cannot take down one singular gorilla? Not just by ourselves, but with 99 others around us. If not, then what was the point of evolving in the first place, if we cannot take care of business when it really matters?
When has this mattered exactly? Hopefully never in a real-life scenario, but within the last week or so, the conversation has taken over the internet. Unless you have been living under a rock or have anything remotely better to do with your time (I do not), there is a good chance you have seen about a thousand different takes on the situation. There are some that believe the gorilla in question (commonly agreed upon as a five ft. tall, 450 pound silverback gorilla) is simply just too big and powerful for any mere human to even make a dent. There are some who think it could be close but just not enough manpower to take down the goliath at the end of the day. There are also people like me, who believe in the power of humanity enough to think that this could actually be possible.
I am not saying it would be easy, but I have no doubt that there would be a chance as long as everything is done perfectly. I will start by laying out the basics: my team will only consist of currently living humans, and they will not have any access to weapons. Who is on this team? I am so glad you asked.
It would be easy and also extremely ill-advised to simply pick the largest 100 men and throw them into the gauntlet. No matter how big these people are, the gorilla is always bigger, so they would stand no match. At the same time, it definitely would not hurt to have a few of these behemoths on the roster. In this category, a guy like Jalen Carter, Eagles defensive tackle, would be one of my top picks. He is not just large, standing at a solid 6’3” and weighing over 300 pounds, but also quick and would have the agility necessary to attack and evade attacks from the gorilla. Another football player that could do some significant damage is Aaron Donald. Although he is retired, he seems to have the same figure as the one he used to terrorize National Football League offensive lines and quarterbacks for a decade, and there is no debating he could still get the job done if need be.
As I said before, this team cannot just be full of tanks. While the above guys can move with the best, I need the best of the best. As much as I cannot stand him and think he could potentially mess up the team chemistry, I would be remiss if I did not pick up Noah Lyles. The fastest man in the world, Lyles would be needed in order to put the gorilla in a whirlwind and leave the gorilla dumbfounded as to what would happen next. While Lyles gives the horizontal movement necessary for victory, I would also need someone who can get off the ground. This is where I select three-time National Basketball Association Dunk Contest champion and high school mixtape legend Mac McClung. The man reportedly has a 48-inch vertical jump. Whether or not this is true remains to be proven but what better way to find out?
As for our other needs? If we are talking about endurance, give me David Goggins. Intelligence and strategy? Give me Rick Pitino on the sideline. What about someone to lighten the mood when the going gets tough? I do not think it would hurt to have Shane Gillis in the background cracking jokes to the fighters. When it comes down to it though, I need my fighters. Who do I want in the ring? I want Jon Jones (especially if he is still addicted to cocaine), Conor McGregor (also especially if he is still doing cocaine) and Gervonta Davis (does not need to be doing cocaine, but I want Chief Keef walking him and everyone else up to motivate them).
It would be a challenge, but we do not do things because they are easy but because someone on the internet told us it would be impossible. When it is all said and done, I know for a fact that my team will walk out of there in victory.