My roommate uses grammar incorrectly whenever my friends are around. To be frank, it’s a tad embarrassing. How do I get him to stop?
Dear Annoyed Anthony,
When I was a youngling, there were no questions about whether or not proper grammar should be used — especially in front of the ladies. I mean those darn greaser hooligans had their own vernacular, bees-knees and hotsy-totsy, but the gentlemen were always proper and enchanting. However, there’s nothing like the vernacular of the young folks — along with inflation — that reminds me that times are really changing every day. Perhaps your roommate gets so nervous trying to impress your entourage that he completely loses his sense of self. You should take this via the “My Fair Lady” route and begin teaching him proper grammar and pronunciation: “The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.” However, take this route cautiously, for it may lead to an inspiring cinematic romance between the professor and the student, and you really should not be mixing business with pleasure, dearie.
I have been trying to stay healthy this term, but it’s rather difficult. My friends keep peer pressuring me into eating five too many pizza slices. How do I keep on track?
Dear Healthy Heath,
Even though you may be watching your weight — although at this point it appears that it really is not going anywhere — it is OK to indulge every once in a while. As a housewife, I find cooking to be an outlet for all my emotions. I keep my dreadful husband, Donald, in check by the mere threat of him finding arsenic in his pot roast or scotch; it is safe to say that he rarely crosses me. Anyway, something I suggest you do is to get some sort of device that shocks you every time you think about greasy food, darling. You understand, sweetie? This way, every time your mind even considers the idea of consuming something that is not water or broccoli, you will feel excruciating pain. I am not sure about the legality of such a device, but the ladies I play bridge with just rave about it. You’re a brave soul; even I’m not courageous enough to resist a slice of heaven — and I lived through World War II.
*Eloise is M.I.A.