UNIVERSITY CITY, P.A. – The Universities have announced a new plan to “save” the UC Townhomes by purchasing them and selling them back to residents at “fair” prices in a stunning display of benevolence. Because, well, nothing says “fair” like a price set by a private institution with a vested interest in maintaining high housing prices.
Unsurprisingly, the plan has been met with skepticism by some residents, who see it as nothing more than a ploy to maintain the status quo. “Oh, how thoughtful of Universities to swoop in and save us from the horrors of affordable housing,” quipped one local. “I guess we should just be grateful that they’re willing to take such a bold stance against economic justice.”
Others have expressed concern that the plan will only serve to entrench further the Universities’ control over the housing market in University City. “Let’s be real, the last thing we need is wealthy universities owning even more of the real estate around here,” said one activist. “It’s bad enough that they have a monopoly on higher education in the area.”
But fear not, dear residents, the Universities have assured us that they have our best interests at heart. “We understand the concerns of the community and we want to work together to find a solution that benefits everyone,” said a spokesperson. “That’s why we’ve come up with this brilliant plan to buy up all the townhomes and then sell them back to residents at prices that we get to set. It’s a win-win!”
And as for the recent influx of wealthy out-of-state students driving up housing prices? Well, don’t worry about that either. “We’re confident that our plan will put an end to the housing crisis in University City once and for all,” said the spokesperson. “Because if there’s one thing that’s worked throughout history, it’s leaving the fate of the housing market in the hands of a small group of powerful individuals.”
So there you have it, folks. We can all rest easy knowing that the University City Townhomes will remain unaffordable for the foreseeable future thanks to the Universities’ heroic intervention. Huzzah!