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Residential rollercoasters: there will be no survivors | The Triangle
Comic

Residential rollercoasters: there will be no survivors

Illustration by Becca Newman | The Triangle

Housing is a nightmare. There is no other way around it. Housing nightmares are like a bad zit: nobody wants it, but everyone has to deal with it. For the amount of money you pay, you aren’t getting much out of it. Really, housing just feels like a giant money laundering scheme.

Freshman year is the easiest to find housing, because, duh, you’re forced to be in a dorm. Be careful though, because not all dorms are treated equally. You could get into Kelly, the beautiful new dorm hall that John Fry spent way too much money on (instead of putting it into the co-op portal, but hey, at least it is not a SEPTA station), or you could get put into Millennium, where you get a beautiful view of Drexel’s new dorm hall. And then of course, there is Race, which honestly cares so much about its residents that it took the initiative to ignore its broken elevator to make sure its residents get enough exercise every day. What’s a better workout than walking up 10 flights of stairs after a three-hour lab and lecture?

What really makes a difference is the people you are living with. The concept of roommates is wild. Yeah, let’s have two people who have never spoken to each other once in their lives sleep within 10 feet of each other, what’s the worst thing that could happen? Well, you could get off easy….your roommate might have sex in your bed, or you might have your roommate ask you to buy the knife collection they have been secretly building all year. It’s a game of luck, and we are all losers.

But your roommates are not the only people you are co-existing with. There are also other people living in your dorm. Ones who miss the toilet when they are pooping (bro what? How do you miss the toilet) or the ones who throw chairs down stairwells, breaking a window (damn who raised you?) And then there is the recurring event of finding Cheerios in the bathroom sink. Why? Just why? First off, why do you leave a couple of Cheerios left? Finish your breakfast dude. And you don’t you just throw it away? It’s a pretty simple solution. This Cheerio conundrum is pretty silly compared to constant validation, but I’m sorry, I just want to wash my hands without worrying about Cheerios in the sink.

Then, of course, you can choose to move to ACC housing, which may seem like an upgrade, but what is that old saying again? The grass is greener on the other side? Yup. You’ll truly understand that when you move to ACC housing. Let’s play a game, think about the worst ACC housing option, got one in mind? Ok great, you’re right! They all suck. You can end up in Chestnut, where they change your locks in the middle of the night without telling you, or Summit and all their pointless fire alarms. And then, of course, there is UCross, which will turn off the heat, for some “highly important” (bullshit) reason, just for them to not turn it back on. And then when you ask them to fix it, they will still charge you for the maintenance request. Excuse me, but why am I paying to fix a problem that you caused? Moral of the story: move off campus as soon as possible.

Beware if your co-op is outside of Philly. You might think when you first apply to choose places outside of Philly, because when else will you be able to live in another city for a couple of months like that? It may seem like a good plan at first, but once you realize that you need a place to live, you are going to realize how bad you are at thinking ahead. First off, you need to figure out what is going to happen to your current place. It’s easy if you are at ACC housing and you can just get out of lease…as long as your co-op is far away enough. Imagine you get a co-op near your parent’s house, thinking you can just move back home and enjoy your mom’s homemade cooking for the next six months, only to find out that your parent’s house isn’t far away enough. Why must they prevent me from having my mom’s pancakes every night? But don’t worry, they will give you an option to sublet your place…which means having to find someone who is willing to move into ACC, but also live with your roommate. Yeah, hell freezing is more likely to happen.

But then on the off chance you are able to get out of your lease (and you can’t live with your parents), you now need to find a place to live. But do not worry, the co-op office will give you some recommendations. You might think they will include Zillow or Apartments.com, y’know actual, credible places people find apartments. Nope. They won’t tell you to look there, they recommend…Craigslist. The place that pervs lurk around…yeah, perfect place to find a place. And beware if you are doing your co-op in NYC, They might recommend looking at Airbnb, but Airbnb is illegal in NYC. No one wants to have the cops knocking on their door at 2 am. But then again, the NYPD might not have time for that, after all, they are busy with dance rehearsals.

And then there is finding housing for Study Abroad. “Study Abroad,” they say. “It will be fun,” they say. And yeah it does sound fun. Who doesn’t want to hop around Europe for a semester, enjoy crepes and pasta, or do whatever people do while studying abroad? But, of course, you need to find housing. You could choose to stay in the dorms or a nice place in the city of your choice, but you could choose the cheapest option (which duh, you want to save money for those Aperol spritz). But what they forget to tell you is that the cheapest option is a host family…which they do not do a background check first. So if you end up with a crazy ass family, just know they wanted a quick buck (anything in this economy) and Drexel didn’t check to see if they were in the underground mafia first. 

Anyways, Joe Biden, what’s your plan for dealing with bad housing if you get re-elected?