Aries
Beans, beans, they’re good for your…art? This week, you will have horrible and unrelenting gas. Tragic. However, on Wednesday, your tooting problems will be the source of your greatest creative inspiration yet.
Leo
Everything you drink will be lukewarm this week.
Cancer
By Tuesday at noon, you will have finally found your mate! You can thank the moon for this dashing soul…too bad the only movie they’ve ever seen is “Rango.”
Pisces
Your Zoom Hinge date will be Zoom-bombed by your grandmother…who also was supposed to be on a date with the same Hinge match. You will be sent alone to a breakout room. Rough Tuesday.
Scorpio
With the sun in your ruling house, your productivity will be unstoppable this week! All of your efforts will be focused on perfecting the screenplay for that stop-motion short film you started when you were 11. Too bad you forgot the plot was all about the childhood trauma you’ve spent years repressing! Oh, to relive…
Taurus
The moon simply is not doing you any favors this week. You will have a bad case of the Mondays until Friday.
Sagittarius
Bless the stars! Things are finally looking up on Wednesday when you receive a huge job promotion! Too bad it requires going abroad within the next week….
Gemini
Pity, pity. On Tuesday, you will begin to suffer from a pesky post-nasal drip until Thursday, when you will convince yourself you have contracted the coronavirus.
Virgo
With your rising sign converging with the moon, you will have the Kahoot! theme stuck in your head until Saturday.
Libra
On Monday, you will get a Ritz cracker stuck to the roof of your mouth. It will not dissolve until Wednesday.
Capricorn
Stop everything! From Monday to Thursday, you will remember a huge family secret but forget it the moment you try to say it out loud. Poor brother will never know now!
Aquarius
Written in the stars, I see…yeast. You will either find great success in crafting beautiful, homemade sourdough loaves, or you will have a very painful time in the bathroom.