Aries
On Monday, you will awaken to all of your belongings having been moved precisely one inch to the left.
Leo
You will have an accident of the bathroom variety on Thursday.
Cancer
On Wednesday, you will accidentally call your professor “Mom” in an email and they will not respond. It will be very awkward.
Pisces
On Tuesday, you will ruin your best friend’s Zoom surprise party by accidentally sending the link to only their ex-lover. Party pooper!
Scorpio
Mercury is in retrograde and only for you!
Taurus
This week, you will be insatiable for ratatouille. Poor, ignorant you, for you will be unable to spell it, thus disallowing you to order it online.
Sagittarius
After what feels like years of pointless swiping, you will finally find the perfect match on Tinder. Too bad his pick-up line is quoting Mussolini.
Gemini
Hard of hearing? On Tuesday, you will try to clean your ear with a Q-tip, but only end up pushing the wax further in. You will be rendered half deaf until Friday.
Virgo
Dance dance revolution! Your Spotify account will get hacked on Wednesday and your algorithms will be changed to only suggest Harsh Noise.
Libra
Hacker on the loose! On Tuesday, all of your photos will be mysteriously deleted from your device, leaving only that picture of you from middle school where you don’t know what to do with your hands.
Capricorn
Longing for attention, I see? On Thursday you will forget to mute yourself on your Zoom call. You will break wind innocently, only to fearfully see the bright green box surround your square. The class will fall silent. How embarrassing.
Aquarius
Your search engine will randomly and permanently get changed to Bing! on Friday.