So the Pope died. Kinda wish it had happened earlier so Conclave could’ve snagged Best Picture- sorry, Anora. But now, we’re in the race to find the next Pope. The Pope is chosen by the Cardinals, who are bishops who get to wear those snazzy red robes (by the way, does anyone know where I can get one? Just asking for absolutely no reason). They typically like to pick one of their own- nepotism final boss. But let’s entertain the idea that we could launch anyone into the papacy. Here are some top-tier recommendations:
- Beyoncé: Already worshipped by millions. She has a hive. The Vatican has a dome. Coincidence? I think not. Let’s all thank Beyoncé by making her Pope.
- Danny DeVito: Short. Wise. Enough said.
- Steve from Blue’s Clues: We never got closure when he left, and maybe, just maybe, this is the redemption arc the world needs.
- The Duolingo Owl: Unrelenting. Terrifying. Will haunt- I mean- motivate you into going to Mass.
- Cousin Greg from Succession: Accidentally ascends to the papacy through a legal loophole. Constantly confused. Accidentally reforms the Church.
- The Baby Sun from Teletubbies: Literal divine light. Will smile upon your sins until you feel immense shame and repent immediately.
- Paulie Loscalzo: A saint in the making. The man has already done more good for humanity than most people realize.
- Your Sleep Paralysis Demon: You never see them, but you wake up and you know they’ve been hearing your prayers.
- That One Frat Guy Who “Found Himself in Bali”: Says enlightenment comes with vibes and incense. The Vatican gets a full rebrand with crystal healing.
- Miss Frizzle: Takes the entire congregation on a magic school bus journey inside the body of Christ. Literally.
But the one thing I request is that Caesar Flickerman host the Conclave.