It’s that time of the year again where everywhere you look is pink and red and disgustingly romantic. It’s just awful, isn’t it? Whether you’re lonely and resentful or single and loving it, sometimes being berated by these images is just exhausting.
Well, luckily, we’re here to remove some romance from the occasion. Maybe you’re alone and just want to eat a pizza and not think about love. Maybe you and your love interest like watching sad or disturbing movies. Maybe you just really hate “Love Actually.” Or maybe you just wanna hear about some good movies!
Regardless of your motivation, here are 10 of the least romantic movies we could think of for your viewing displeasure.
1. “The Passion of the Christ”
Let’s start off strong with an extremely gruesome yet utterly boring romp through the crucifixion of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Nothing will get you and your partner going like remembering that he suffered and died for our sins over 2,000 years ago. Not only that, but he’s always watching, so remember to leave some room for the Holy Spirit! “The Passion of the Christ” was fairly divisive when it came out. These days, one thing is for sure: it’s boring and is undoubtedly the peak of Mel Gibson’s antisemitism. Sounds lovely, doesn’t it?
2. “Schindler’s List”
Instead of steamy thoughts and urges, this movie will move the mind to one of the most devastating times in human history. Sure to stimulate existential thought, this is perfect for a night in, alone, in a dark room or as the most intense second date vibe test of all time.
Do you and your boo ever wish you could experience multiple home invasions? Look no further! Darren Aronofsky’s “Mother” is a disturbing, chaotic and violent retelling of the story of the Bible. It’s claustrophobic, awkward, frightening, sickening and almost every other unpleasant adjective. Not to give away too much, but if this movie doesn’t kill your appetite for both grub and smooches, you should potentially reevaluate.
4. “Human Centipede”
If you’re getting a romantic dinner with your main squeeze or eating spaghetti out of the pot by the handful alone, I can’t recommend “Human Centipede” enough as a transition into digestion. There’s nothing like physical manipulation of the human anatomy through surgery and forcible experimentation to round out a delicious meal. Blood, organs, mouths where they don’t belong? I’m getting hungry already!
5. “Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy”
This is potentially the most romantic film on this list. By the end of it, you’re guaranteed to be knocked unconscious in a nice cozy nap next to your partner out of sheer boredom. “Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy,” despite being a spy movie starring almost every sexy British actor (Gary Oldman, Colin Firth, Benedict Cumberbatch and Tom Hardy) will undoubtedly assassinate any romance or sexual tension between any two human beings. I’m starting to doze off just thinking about suffering through its slog again.
6. “The Lighthouse”
Speaking as someone who actually saw this movie on a second date, this psychological thriller about madness and isolation is a great choice. The overwhelming anxiety that hovers over the entire movie — escalating until you feel like you’re losing your own mind — pushes you to think: “Am I ready for a relationship?” “Can I make space in my life to commit to someone?” “Will they accept me for who I am? Insecurities and all?”
7. “A Clockwork Orange”
Yeah, I mean, yikes. This movie is just. Sheesh. A tough watch. Set in a dystopian future that is built on brain-washing and hyperviolence, it just doesn’t let up. You’ll feel scared and disturbed for over two hours and just be upset with humanity as a whole. It will also probably forever ruin “Singin’ in the Rain” for everyone involved. Ugh, yeah. Strap in for this one.
8. “Saving Private Ryan”
My sexual awakening was the first scene of “Saving Private Ryan.” There! I said it! If I’ve said this once, I’ve said it a thousand times: nothing gets me going like military strategy, especially when it’s wrapped up in overwhelming chaos. While you’re on this vibe train, keep up the Tom Hanks theme and consider renting “Castaway” for more romantic, bloody moments.
9. “The Revenant”
The most romantic thing in this movie is Leonardo DiCaprio being viciously torn apart by a bear. If watching a man be buried alive only to scream and claw his way out of the dirt doesn’t make you wanna snuggle up under a blanket with your Significant Other, I don’t know what would. Feeling hungry? Join in the cast and eat some live fish to settle your stomach. Hey, maybe if you and your boo are feeling frisky you can play a little “Cowboys and Indians” and violently shed each other’s blood, maybe on horseback! The winner gets to scalp the loser!
10. “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”
Valentine’s Day is the holiday for racing hearts, so why not make your own heart skip beats? Bloodlust, kidnapping and murderous pursuit will surely make your heart thump more than holding bae’s hand ever could. Leatherface is, of course, a romantic icon trying to prove his true love to Sally through the chase of a lifetime. He already has proven his love by wearing the skin from previous relationships, but will it be enough for Sally?