Spring Break
If you take nothing in this paper seriously (and let's face it, you shouldn't), pay special attention to this. The Annual Rectangle Scavenger Hunt is real and you can really win real prizes. Really. We're not talking real in some mumbo-jumbo existential sense.
I admit, I've had a wicked awesome time at Drexel. You guys know how to get sloshed and throw some kickass pahties. I'm from Bahston, Mass. and it was kinda hahd fah me to adjust to such a different place. Sadly, I was not forewahned that you people takk like fucking retahds.
I've been thinking about the state of our nation, and indeed, the state of the planet. It is a sad state we live in today. Governments and other individuals and organizations exert ruthless control over entrepreneurial individuals, crushing their free spirit and rendering them worthless to society.
America is corrupt! America is immoral! America is ruled by Satan, who employs the Jews to carry out his bidding! If you are still reading this, that means that there is still some hope for your soul. I, Sheikh Usama ibn Akhmed, am the president of Wahabbism Now for America.
As many of you idiots know, I often write commentaries containing enough vitriol and hatred that Bill O'Reilly would look at me and say, "Man, that guy's angry." There is a good reason for this. I am angry all the time. In fact, I am so angry that when I have nothing better to do, I sit on my balcony outside my apartment and yell at people who walk by.
Last week, I was going through some of my belongings in my childhood bedroom and I happened to stumble upon a journal from my youth. My curiosity piqued, I immediately sat down and read my childhood thoughts, expecting equal parts nostalgia and entertainment.
I am dismayed at the disrespect and utter humiliation that I am subjected to at the hands of Drexel students. In countless commentaries and letters to the editor, I am denounced in every way possible, with terms ranging from "monstrosity" to "ridiculous." I will have none of it.
I would like to congratulate The Rectangle on all that it has achieved thus far. I feel that The Rectangle has made tremendous progress over recent years and is now an economic and military power to contend with. My administration hopes to work with The Rectangle to create a new world free of terrorists, murderers and dictators.
