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During a game of basketball ... oh wait we don´t have courts. Anyway, dead bodies were found beneath Buckley Green ... or is it field. Well the field is Green like Greenland, or is Greenland the one with ice and Iceland the one with Green. Screw it ... dead people ... yay!

A human skull believed to belong to a female student in the Engineering Program. If scientists are correct, than this may be the first female CoE student ... ever.

Mass grave found under Buckley Green

By: Tom Holzerman

Posted: 4/1/05

Mass graves, piled high with corpses of varying degrees of decomposition, were uncovered during the renovation and returfing of Buckley Green.

This revelation has sparked an emergency investigation from both the U.S. Government and the U.N. War Crimes Tribunal. The green has been closed to both students and funny Mexican guys who aren't enrolled in the University but like to play soccer there alike.

The bodies found range across all ages and both genders. A total cross section of ethnicity has yet to be determined and won't be completed until autopsies are finished. That process could take up to six months due to the level of decomposition of some of the corpses. A roundabout cross-section from preliminary results indicates a fair level of diversity among those buried.

"We had Canadians, Irish ones and Swedes. They were all for one, and one for all, they were all American," said Joanie Fischer, who claimed to be a secretary to official U.N. Inspector Hans Blix. However, it was later revealed that she was only an extra from the movie A League of Their Own who wandered onto the scene on a cocaine bender.

"The cross-section of ethnicity and race is quite astounding," said Blix. "There were Indians, Asians, some Caucasians and even a few African-Americans. They all seemed to be young too, of college age."

The causes of death were varied. Incomplete partial results indicate that there was a good statistical distribution of shooting deaths, which forensic evidence indicates came from shotguns used in firing squads, Serin nerve agent, decapitation and even mustard gas.

"Yeah, whoever carried out these executions were some sick f--ks with a bent for murderous genocide," said passer-by Kelly Vanden-Bosche, a senior majoring in materials science and engineering. When asked why she was at the scene anyway, she claimed "I wanted to see these mass graves because that's where I figured my friends that didn't come back for sophomore year turned up. That and I wanted to get a slice of pizza and a cup of coffee from Drexel Pizza."

She was immediately taken into custody for questioning, since no one ever goes to DP for pizza.

Vanden-Bosche was apparently referring to the enormous dropout and turnover rates from the College of Engineering after freshman year. Some studies have pointed out that over 92 percent of those students are unaccounted for, and that roughly the same number of those students also failed tDEC courses. University officials have used the words "miserably and spectacularly" in describing those failures.

University officials deny any links between the accusations of apparent, organized genocide and the disappearance of all those failed tDEC freshmen.

"They're all isolated incidents," Public Safety Director Ben Golloti said. "Clearly, there are no links between the 10,000 or so murders and subsequent burials underneath Buckley Green that have happened over the last 20 years or so. So stop asking."

Blix concurred with Golloti's assessments.

"Nope, there clearly weren't any indications of wrongdoing here," the inspector said. "Nope, none at all. Now I must be going back to my hotel in this BMW I just received as a gift where there is a paid-for hooker waiting for me, lying on a stack of $50 bills."

College of Engineering Dean Selcuk Guceri further corroborated Golloti and Blix.

"There's absolutely no link between these mass graves and the turnover rates," Dean Guceri said. Anyone who says otherwise is a filthy liar."

A few seconds later, Guceri went on an unprovoked rant, punctuated with maniacal laughter.

"Besides, if anything did happen to those slackers, it's their own damn faults," he said. "Who are they to come in and expect to fly right through tDEC? Anyone who gets an F in any one of my courses deserves death. DEATH! DEATH TO THE IMBECILES!"

In his rage, Guceri knocked over a can labeled "Mustard Gas" from behind his desk.

When asked why he had a can of mustard gas behind his desk, the dean replied, "Oh, you're mistaken. A part of that label was torn off. It's really 'Honey Mustard Gas,' the most famous condiment from my homeland of Turkey."

While the United Nations has not found any evidence of wrongdoing, the U.S. Government is still conducting its investigation.

"We will not rest until we've found the link between the genocide and the missing students," Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice said. "Even if we have to go to war against the University under false pretenses, we will find that link."

In the meantime, Golloti has requested that extra security for the green to keep the soccer-playing Mexicans away.

"Clearly, they're to blame for these isolated incidents," Golloti said.

In an unrelated note, the CoE has requested an increase in their labratory budget.