My Olympic glory

By: Brett Fischer

Posted: 8/22/08

I could picture it so clearly. Just as 23-year-old Michael Phelps had his own biography, my story of being the greatest athlete at my respective sport was going to be epic. It was going to be a tale of how I overcame the odds to become an Olympic champion…

As I walked toward the stage and stood on the tallest point on the podium, I looked around and heard thousands of people echoing my name. An American flag was raised and tears started to roll down my cheeks as I heard the introduction to the Star Spangled Banner. As I wiped the tears away from my pale face, I bowed my head and a shiny gold medal was placed around my neck for the eighth time in this year's Olympics. Everyone said it was impossible for me to accomplish this feat. Even my own friends and family thought I wouldn't be able to achieve it. But there I stood, with my eighth gold medal, wondering if I was truly the best athlete in the world - of Rock, Paper, Scissors.

It all started when I was four years old. In Southern California, it was popular to start training for Rochambeau (or Rock, Paper, Scissors, as it is better known) at a young age to prepare for the Olympics. We would do several hand exercises such as high-fives and thumb wrestling. This would better improve our stamina and help us make wise decisions. We were also taught to read, write and speak fluent English so that we could read the wise tales of our ancestors and how they were able to dominate the sport.

When I was seven, I was able to read books about the proper strategies of Rochambeau, including the odds of someone selecting paper after choosing rock, or the probability someone would select a certain choice after making the same selection as the opponent (if me and my opponent were to choose scissors at the same time). After six years of reading books on how to better my Rochambeau techniques, I took it to the regional level and competed in the Southern California District I Tournament at the Anaheim Convention Center. There were 6,414 entrants, but I was determined to place in the top 10.

After hours of grueling matches, it came down to the finals between Marco Giovanni and me. We were tied at three apiece in the seventh set. We both threw out scissors, followed by rock. Now from reading all my scholarly novels, I knew that 62 percent of the time, when a rock was followed by scissors, the opponent would go back to rock. But for some reason, I had a feeling that he would surprise me with a paper attack. But unfortunately, I should have stuck with the scholars because my instinct was incorrect. He pulled out rock and I dished out a scissors. His rock smashed my scissors and my pride.

It wasn't until six years later that I competed in the World Championships. I won with ease, but my goal was more on winning a gold medal in the Olympics. Even though I wasn't the minimum 16 years of age, I figured I could alter my birth certificates and work something out with the American government to allow me to compete. Finally, after paying enough money, I was able to illegally take part in the Rochambeau at a global level.

It was one of the most incredible experiences in my life. After round-robin play, we ended up getting gold in the men's team All-Around Rochambeau, followed by China and Romania. I couldn't enjoy it completely because I kept getting interrogated by media and Olympic officials about the possibility that I was not of age to compete.

Nevertheless, there I was accepting my gold medal on the podium, a moment I will never forget.

Ok, back to reality. No, I'm not going to have a biography written about me any time soon, and I'm not going to win eight gold medals like Michael Phelps. But there are so many sports that constitute Olympic events. So there are two things I can do. I can either accept the fact that I will never be an Olympic champion and stop trying, or I can perfect myself at some ridiculous sports and hope they become Olympic worthy whether it be Basketweaving, Rock, Paper, Scissors or Ultimate Checkers.

As you can probably tell by now, I've decided to choose the latter.