Former baseball player named weight trainer for Dragons

By: Tom Holzerman

Posted: 4/2/04

Former Major Leaguer Brady Anderson has been appointed Drexel's new personal trainer for all sports teams effective April 1. Anderson will be in charge of setting workout regimens and nutrition plans for all Drexel athletes, male or female.

"I'm glad Drexel University was willing to give a rookie in this sort of thing a chance," Anderson said. "I know I can make a positive impact on Drexel sports despite my inexperience."

"Brady was the only choice," athletic director Eric Zillmer said. "We needed to bulk up the Drexel athletic program, and Brady is the man to do it. Now we'll be all the rage in the [Colonial Athletic Association]."

"I'm juiced," freshman men's basketball player Bashir Mason, who had appreciably more muscle mass on him than the last time he was seen at Drexel's loss to Villanova in the NIT, said. "We're gonna kill everyone in the CAA. Everything else after that will just be sauce."

When asked if he meant 'gravy' when he said 'sauce,' Mason nearly snapped, yelling "Listen punk! You messin' with the wrong guard! One more word outta you and I'll shove my Defensive Player of the Year trophy so far up yo' ass that you'll be tastin' the brass for breakfast!"

"It's a great move, brother," new wrestling coach Hulk Hogan said.

"Brady's gonna make sure that everyone says their prayers and more importantly, brother, take their vitamins."

Not everyone was excited about the move.

"Drexel doesn't even have a baseball team anymore," professor of history Robert Zaller said. "What are we doing hiring ex-baseball players as staff? This is a ridiculous waste of Drexel funds in a Pyrrhic display of chauvinism and favoritism to the Athletic Department and a bias of gargantuan proportions against the continually slighted denizens of the College of Arts and Sciences. Taki needs to be taken to task. You can bet your sweet ass I'm writing another long commentary for The Rectangle with big words."

In his first move, Anderson signed a long-term vitamin supplement deal with E-Z-Muscle, the same company from which World Wrestling Entertainment gets its supplements.

"They're a good company," Anderson said. They helped me hit 50 [home runs], and I think they can help Drexel reach its full potential."

No word yet on who will be recruited to provide urine samples for everyone under Anderson's programs.